Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for January 28, 2022

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    stevesilver48  5 months ago

    Hey now, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Fans. What a day yesterday was! I think Charlie Fogwhistle should be officially named our Jokemaster General and Tuco killed it with his latest tale from the Bayou. Best one yet, Tuco! For tonight I’ve got one about the elderly but I swear I didn’t steal it from Eromlig.

    An old guy was thinking his wife was losing her hearing so, while she was taking her evening walk, he snuck up about 20 ft. behind her and asked, "Can you hear me, Sweetheart? She didn’t answer so he moved to where he was about 10 ft. behind her and asked again. She still didn’t answer. He moved to 5 ft. away. Nothing. Then he snuck to within a few inches behind her ear and asked, “Can you hear me now, Honey?” His wife said, “For the 4th time, yes!” Ba Dump Bump. There’s my rimshot, that’s my time. Entries anyone? Silver. Out!

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    eromlig  5 months ago

    Alright; I admit it, Ripplers – I’m out of fresh jokes, and I’ve had to go to…yes, the Tom Swiftie Challenge:

    “Take the prisoner downstairs,” said Tom, condescendingly.

    “Pheasant for supper again?” Tom groused.

    “They cut out my left ventricle!” said Tom, half-heartedly.

    …anyone else for the game?

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    pearlsbs  5 months ago

    +1

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    jasonsnakelover  5 months ago

    One time I was producing 300 million one eggs.

    One time I was 42%.

    There are schools to learn how to be like the dude who passed away in 1876 either 39 or 40 years after being responsible for the death of the legendary Dave Crockett?

    May the Lord be with you.

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    stevesilver48  5 months ago

    I think Adele broke even more sales records – pun unavoidable – than that.

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    davidob  5 months ago

    Groovy.

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    stevesilver48  5 months ago

    I get clown colleges as they’re called. They get into tumbling and other acrobatics, falls, and such. It’s like a junior stunt-man school. But Santa School? “Here’s your suit, here’s your hair and beard, some rouge, say ‘Ho Ho Ho!’ like you mean it and best of luck!” What else?

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    monkeysky  5 months ago

    Sunfish are also infamously bad at surviving, being relatively slow, clumsy swimmers with their main natural defense being how unpleasant and inconvenient they are to eat, and how much of their body can get eaten without immediately killing them.

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    Храм С.О.Д. (Templo S.U.D. ucraniano)  5 months ago

    300,000,000 eggs sounds like a good population surplus in order to prevent overfishing and for sunfish for becoming extinct

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    Caldonia  5 months ago

    Adele has fixed it so that all of her albums will be titled after her age at release date. Therefore, with any luck, it may be possible to buy “78” in the future. Unfortunately, I’ll be dead.

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  5 months ago

    There’s getting to be such a library of jokes we’ve all found and contributed that I can only hope that the ones I toss out for your approval haven’t been posted here recently. So let it be with the next one.

    2 men go fishing, One has a stutter.

    The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”?

    The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!”

    Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

    Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying “ssshhh”. The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he’s going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, and the stuttering man says “sshhh sshhh Shark!!”

    Until next time.

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    Zykoic  5 months ago

    Tried to explain that charge on the credit are from “Ho’s” was for Santa School.

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    therese_callahan2002  5 months ago

    A school that trains people to be Santa Claus? I remember once when my siblings and I were entertained by clowns, those clowns said they got their training at a clown college.

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    Count Olaf Premium Member 5 months ago

    Adele who?

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    Count Olaf Premium Member 5 months ago

    Final Exam… Fill in the blank “Ho Ho _____”

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    Huckleberry Hiroshima  5 months ago

    Making gender assumptions about those egg laying sunfish, aren’t you?

    Take care, may woke activist Ralph “If It Seems Right It’s Wrong” Nadord be with you, and gesundheit.

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    artegal  5 months ago

    What happens if you flunk out of Santa School? You have to resort to being a ho-ho-ho.

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    Tuco  5 months ago

    Little T-Bou and his ball.Little T-Bou runs up to his mother and says, “mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy’s clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started…”. The mother cuts him off and says “just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I’m leaving you… “Go ahead T-Bou, tell him what you told me earlier.” T-Bou steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Thib last summer.”

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    elvisgirl3  5 months ago

    Who is adele?

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    poppacapsmokeblower  5 months ago

    I know this is a family comic, but does the male sunfish have the highest sperm count?

    Hey! They started it!

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    dv1093  5 months ago

    I always get Adele and Gaga mixed up – I guess it’s because I don’t like either one of them.

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    ncorgbl  5 months ago

    Ocean Sun Fish were generically altered so humpback whales could have an omelet once in a while.

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  5 months ago

    According to National Geographic, “The mola (ocean sunfish) are the heaviest of all the bony fish, with large specimens reaching 14 feet vertically and 10 feet horizontally and weighing nearly 5,000 pounds.”

    Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man an ocean sunfish and you feed him for a long time.

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    Stephen Gilberg  5 months ago

    Are there any schools to teach you to impersonate another character? Maybe Elvis?

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    schaefer jim  5 months ago

    I played Santa for several years and never went to Santa school !was paid in booze!

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    moondog42 Premium Member 5 months ago

    Do we know how many male Ocean Sunfish drop dead from sexual exhaustion at the end of spawning season?

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    brewingbiker  5 months ago

    who is “adele”?

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    tee929  5 months ago

    The school motto for the Santa School is, “Only if you believe!”

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    theincrediblebulk  5 months ago

    Canadian Temperature Scale:

    +70 degreesTexans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.+60 degreesNorth Carolinians try to turn on the heat.People in Canada plant gardens.+50 degreesCalifornians shiver uncontrollably.People in Canada sunbathe.+40 degreesItalian & English cars won’t start.People in Canada drive with the windows down.+32 degreesDistilled water freezes.Lake Superior’s water gets thicker.+20 degreesFloridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.+15 degreesPhiladelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.0 degreesPeople in Miami all die…Canadians lick the flagpole.20 belowCalifornians fly away to Mexico.People in Canada get out their winter coats.40 belowHollywood disintegrates.The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door.60 belowPolar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.Canadian Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.80 belowMt. St. Helens freezes.People in Canada rent some videos.100 belowSanta Claus abandons the North Pole.Canadians get frustrated because they can’t thaw the keg.297 belowMicrobial life no longer survives on dairy products.Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.460 belowALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).People in Canada start saying, “Eh, Cold ’nuff for ya?”500 belowHell freezes over.The Leafs win the Stanley Cup

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    Ray Helvy Premium Member 5 months ago

    I think it’s pretty impressive for a Santa Claus school to be founded in the Great Depression, and survive to this day.

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    stevesilver48  5 months ago

    Test

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