Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for December 05, 2021

Hey now, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Fans! I hope you’re all well. How about a plastic surgery joke? Why not? Here goes!There’s a lady who goes to her plastic surgeon every few years for minor work here and there. A little nip, a little tuck. You know. One day she comes to see him and tells him she wants some work done “down below” as she put it. “Ah.” said the doctor. A labioplasty. That’s not a problem. It’s a simple procedure really." The lady said, “Fine but I want you to be extra discreet on this one! No admissions notice in the paper, private recovery room, I’m not even telling my closest friends! Is that understood?” The doctor assures her that this procedure will be completely hush-hush. All goes well and the lady is in recovery when 3 lovely flower arrangements are brought in. The lady lost it. She told the doctor, “I told you I didn’t want anyone to know I was here! Who are these from?” The doctor assured her that her privacy hadn’t been compromised in the least.He said, “That first arrangement is from me. You’ve been a good and loyal patient over the years and I just wanted to thank you for your patronage. This other one here is from my personal assistant who also values you as a client and likes you as much as I do. The third arrangement? That’s from the guy over in the burn unit with the new ears.” BADABOOM! Silver! Out!

Marles Choore

One time I was 31 minutes old. One time I gave 1,001 girls facial treatments.

One time I ran at 2 million one miles per hour.

May the Lord be with you.

Capt. Moore’s discovery makes me want to cry.

How is it that goats have an immunity to poison ivy? Are they Batman underlings or something?

Goats be like leaves of 3 are for me me me!

According to Wikipedia: Plastiglomerates form along shorelines where natural sedimentary grains and organic debris are agglutinated by melted plastic created during campfire burning.

Football stadium = soccer pitch in the States. Mules absolutely LOVE to eat poison ivy. I used to work for a tourist canal barge ride that was drawn by mules. These were retired Amish mules, and it was their daily exercise. Pushing a barge up to the mule pen was like pushing a car on a flat surface. Because this was a concession in a state park, it was literally a “walk in the park” for the teams of 2 mules. I even trained one lead mule to “heel.” I would get the passengers’ attention, say, “Spooky, heel,” hang her lead line over her harness, and she would follow me with her nose at my shoulder! She was so named because she got antsy when the steam train next to the canal blew its whistle.

“Goats won’t need an ocean of calamine lotion.”

B-AAAAAAAAA-AAAA (google translation from Goat to English): “Late at night while you’re sleepin’ poison ivy comes a creepin’ arou-ou-ou-ou-ound.”

Take care, may obscure ‘50s disc jockey Blinky "Thank God It’s Not TV ‘Cuz I’m Cross-eyed" Martinord be with you, and gesundheit.

I would never have thought that there even existed a record of number of people getting a facial at one time. Do they also keep records of manicures? Pedicures?

Goats and poison ivy. Would that explain the awful taste of goat cheese? I wonder.

Goodness gracious!!

I eat poison ivy. But I put on my lip gloves first. Also, goats make me itchy.

Boudreaux decided to go play a game of golf with his good friends Thibodeaux and Hebert one morning. He promised Marie that he would be home in time for lunch. Well, lunchtime came and went, and no Boudreaux. Mid afternoon came and went, still no Boudreaux. Suppertime passed, and Boudreaux finally shows up about an hour later. Marie is, of course, just a little bit mad. “Boudreaux, where in hell you been ? You say you gonna be home by lunch, and here it is dark time, and you jus now gettin’ home !” Boudreaux says, “Marie, don’ get on my case. My good fren, Thibodeaux, died on de golf course dis morning.” Marie says, “Oh, Boudreaux, I’m so sorry. I can understan’ now; makin’ funeral arrangements for your fren, and all. I understan’ why you late.” Boudreaux says, “Funeral arrangements. What funeral arrangements? It was ’Hit de ball, drag Thibodeaux. Hit de ball, drag Thibodeaux. It took me and Hebert all day to finish the game!”

I wonder if that “metallic star” was headed for the Alderan System…

According to Wikipedia LP 40-365 was catalogued in 1960 and again in 1970. Wikipedia did not mention anything about 2017.

About that star story. Huh?

hooray, our plastic pollution is now officially preserved in the geological record, now the sentient raccoon people who rule the world 10 million years in the future will know our civilization gave it a try.

Also, for context, “metallic” means any atoms heavier than helium when referring to star composition. Having more of them means the star is younger because it incorporated more material from past generations of stars, instead of being made from the pure clouds of hydrogen and helium that made up the galaxy 10 billion years ago. For a high metalicity star like that to be moving so fast in the opposite direction from most other stars it must have been pretty close to a supernova, or got an orbital kick from a black hole.

How do they know that the ‘runaway star’ is made of metallic atoms just by seeing it?

Late again, but better late than never. I’ll take what’s behind door #4 – Plastic. This joke is set in the UK, and for those of you not in the know, that funny symbol before the number refers to British Pounds, not Dollars or Euros.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and relieve themselves through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know? Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., mate! Give me £20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!

“Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays."

So much for today. Until next time.

Occasionally, the later ones are the ripest. Good one, worth the wait.

lp 40-365 took one look at us and said oh poop no i’m out of here

It took only 1000 women to fill a stadium? Must have been a small stadium. Or very large women.

Hey now

So if I find poison ivy out on the lawn, who’m I gonna call? Goat-Busters!

Hmm, metallic “star” moving opposite direction it should … spacecraft, anyone?

Goats are just nature’s lawn mowers to clear out poison ivy for farmers.