Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson for August 16, 2015
Cobra Carson: Rip is dead! The only man I ever loved-cut down in his prime by seven tigers! For gold! Woman: Cheer up, my queen. There is a map the last queen left that leads to a small fortune- it's yours now. Cobra Carson: Well, no sense in dwelling on the past- what's done is done. Rip Haywire: I can't believe Cobra and her pirates tried to feed me to tigers! That was my best pair of jordache! Voice: Captain, the queen is ready to shove off- Man: Okay-dokey Voice: I'm sorry, what? Man: *sigh* arrr. Rip Haywire: These duds aren't extra strapping, but they'll do. Hmm. I think I got a plan. TNT: Does it include wearing that hat? Cuz I'm not dressing up like Tennille. Rip, do you really think you can disguise yourself as a pirate? Rip Haywire: Sure! Just a little filth and a borrowed patch. All I have to worry about is pinkeye!