Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for July 17, 2019
Horoscope Capricorn - Your tin can habit is getting way out of hand. Aquarius - Check the kitchen drawer. Your coupons have expired. Pisces - Today they will remove your little castle. Tomorrow...? Aries - I'm sorry, we have no horoscope listings under "Aries" at this time. Taurus - You burn oil and pull to the left. Gemini - You are confident your court appearance will vindicate you & allow you to put these absurd allegations behind you. Cancer - Shellfish is very high in cholesterol. Beware Leo - Time to thin the herd. Virgo - You're 39. lose the cats & the sci-fi fandom & get a date. Libra - You amass enough gravity to attract small satellites. Scorpio - Your plans for global domination fail when all your toadies strike, demanding nicer jumpsuits. Sagittarius - The "Mr. Ed" theme song sticks in your head all day, starting right now.