Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for April 27, 2014
crippling self-consciousness alert april is crippling self-consciousness awareness month. millions of americans suffer from csc. take a good long look at yourself. you may be at risk! do you begin to sweat when strangers watch you eat? remember, you'll never look sillier than when you're chewing! do you touch your face a lot to make certain your features are fully intact? are you doing it right now? do you suddenly become aware of how your voice sounds, causing your syntax to tangle and your sentences to disintegrate? man: who's a good boy, huh? who's a. uh. wha a goo. who's a dog. boyagh agh a hrrn. is this problem exacerbated by public speaking in any form? woman: two super cheezie nacho beef chimachimacheefa nacho chimpanzachabee. twobee. and a. two those. angahrrn agha hrrn. speaker: you want a drink with that? if you answered "yes" to any of the above, you should try these simple yet effective steps: 1. stay home. 2. check your features regularly. 3. keep a third-person narrative of your life running in your head at all times. 4. speak with an accent, like irish or jamaican. 5. always avoid the um. maybe or! not. those uhh. thing. ok forget i said. agh hrrn.
Sisyphos almost 9 years ago
Huh?! Wha…wha….what did you say? (Sorry; I was just checking my features.)
ChessPirate almost 9 years ago
“And so, in conclusion dear friends, I… why are you watching me? Did part of my face feel oof gak chez meep norzooo.”
ehtaniguchi almost 9 years ago
The speakers on those fast food drive-ups are so bad, you might as well be talking with cotton in your mouth. My dog however is really good at letting me know when he wants me to shut up: he frantically licks my face until I can’t talk anymore.