Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for December 23, 2011

Transcript:

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling So... You've been Indefinitely Detained! An information sheet for U.S. citizens from your United States of America government Welcome to the Barack H. Obama Indefinite Detention Center! You're here because someone in the U.S. government determined that you work for al-Qaeda or the Taliban. Or that you substantially supported them, or an associated group, or whatever and whatnot. You might be wondering who determined this, and on what basis. Suspicious activities You have no right to this information, which is why you've been given this sheet instead. You will find in your cell a toothbrush, a Koran, and your schedule of interrogation sessions. Please be assured, interrogation techniques will not cross the threshold of "torture-ish." Frequently Asked Questions, Which You'll Have Plenty of Time to Contemplate: Q. Doesn't America have a Bill of Rights? A. Yes, and upon request, we can replace your Koran with a copy of the U.S. Constitution as your sole reading material. Q. Have I been disappeared? A. People aren't "disappeared" in America! Only in lawless dictatorships can intransitive verbs be used to make passive verb forms. Q. Isn't this very wrong? A. That's just the kind of thing an Enemy of America would say. What are your relatives' addresses Never mind. We know. Q. I was grabbed at a T.G.I.F.'s and put in the back of a van. Were the fried mozzarella sticks I was eating paid for? A. This is a nation of laws, not men! T.G.I.F.'s has been fully compensated, and your waitstaff tipped 18.5%. But here's the good news: The U.S. can only hold you until the end of "hostilities"! So the minute the Prime Minister of al-Qaeda signs a peace treaty, and no bad guys do or plan anything under its name ever again, YOU'LL BE EITHER TRIED OR RELEASED! Please read our next informational brochure for U.S. Citizens: "So Your Website Has Been Permanently Eradicated Without Explanation by a Shadowy Government Agent Under SOPA."