Monty by Jim Meddick for January 19, 2020

A subplot like this would’ve made Aladdin a lot more complicated.

" I wish that you sounded just like Robin Williams …"

“I wish we could cut through all the red tape…”

Genie related wish granting matters have become much more difficult since Disney cornered the Genie market…..

“I wish there were no such thing as Lawyers.”

Something for nothing. In this case, a lot of double talking BSfor nothing.

one of the best sunday jokes…..

Now, this is really something I’ve fantasized over a lot. The amulet solution would be my choice.

I’d wish for a phone with magical apps: one would deposit money in my account whenever I pressed it, one would transport me anywhere, one would heal any injury or disease, etc.

I’m reminded of the story about two sailors adrift in a small lifeboat, getting very thirsty. Suddenly , an old glass bottle floats by and one sailor grabs it and pulls the cork out of the top. A genie appears and tells the sailors that they can have one wish granted. The other sailor says that they should think very hard about what to wish for, but the first guy shouts, “I know, I wish the whole ocean was made of beer.”, and all at once they were floating in a sea of beer. “You idiot” the other one says, “Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat!”

Just take the Billion dollars. After taxes it’s still big money.

I know one wish I would ask for, but that might give me “Modern Problems”.

I’d wish to be free from the curse of the three wishes. Genies always find a way to screw you via literal interpretation or loophole. If you wish for money or valuables, they’ll be stolen from somewhere else and traced back to you. If you wish for immortality, you’ll be old and in pain forever. Wish for eternal youth and you’ll be zapped into permanent infancy. You can’t win, no matter how you try to phrase the wish.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes.

Me:…

Genie: Well?’

Me: I wish for more genies.

Genie: Holy cr@p.

All the new genies: Holy cr@p.

Leave it to Monty to take the magic out of magic.

Look up Anthony Boucher’s short story, “Nellthu”.

“I wish for unlimited wishes after my wish to free you from the bottle…”

One wish will do it all… Nirvana.

“If wishes were fishes then beggars would eat.”

This isn’t the first time this joke was used in this comic, I recall an older one where he found a lamp, made 2 wishes, and tried to wish for more wishes, which voided his first 2. Although if I ever found a genie I would totally ask it what wishes in can’t or won’t grant before hand, that’s just prudent.

Jock was walking on his favorite beach in Queensland when he spotted some shiny metal sticking up out of the sand. On inspection, it turned out to be an old oil lamp. He picked it up and brushed it off, and in doing so he released the genie who’d been trapped inside.

“Hi, there”, said the genie. “I’m an ancient genie who’s been trapped for way too long in that tiny little lamp, and I want to thank you properly for freeing me. May I grant you a wish?”

“Um, isn’t that supposed to be three wishes?”, asked Jock.

“Come on, dude, don’t be greedy. I was just an apprentice genie in the first place. That’s how they trapped me so easily in this crummy little lamp. Smash the crap out it if you would, by the way. God, I hate that thing! Anyway, all I’ve got in me is one wish. What’ll it be?”

Jock paused a bit in thot. “Well”, he finally said, “I’ve always gotten on real well with me mate Bob. He’s my brother, y’know, but he up and took off for America nearly a decade ago and now he lives near Hollywood. Wanted to break into acting and all, but it hasn’t been going well and he can’t afford to fly back and visit. I myself am terrified of flying, so I guess what I’d like most is a big long highway from here in Brisbane up to Los Angeles so I can drive my Holden up there to surprise him.”

“Are you deaf, man? Didn’t you hear me say that I was only an apprentice genie? Do you know how much work a highway like that would be? It would be a challenge for the greatest genies of all time! Now get real and ask me for something reasonable.”

“Oh, OK. Sorry. Umm, how about if you can let me understand women?”

“So, would that be a 4-lane or 6-lane?”

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice – her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.The wife asked the man, “Do you live here?”“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!” he answered.The husband asked, “Are you a genie?”“Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself,” the man replied.The husband and wife agreed on two wishes – one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.The genie nodded his head and said, “Done!”The genie now said, “For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.”The husband and wife agreed.After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?”To which she responded, “Three years.”The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?”To which she replied, “31 years old.”The genie then asked, “And how long has he believed in this genie crap?”

If you like Faustian stories, check out the original 1967 Bedazzled movie, starring Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Eleanor Bron, and Raquel Welch — NOT the lame 2000 remake.

I’d wish to be 20 years younger, but not 20 years dumber.

First wish, build a mile-high wall around Washington DC; Second wish, gather all politicians, lawyers and preachers within the wall; third wish, fill it with water…

Re. the one about having genie powers, there’s at least two examples where that’s been done. One was on the original “Twilight Zone” at the end of the story (no spoilers), the other was at the beginning of a story in one of Marvel Comics’ old sci fi/horror anthologies. In that one the genie can only grant the wish by becoming human himself, but in so doing also becomes the new genie’s master, and seeing that the former human intends to use his new powers for evil commands him to enter the bottle which he seals. Years later another human opens the bottle but walks off, meaning the genie has no master and can do what he wishes with his powers. In a short time he performs feats spectacular enough for the world to submit to him as ruler but still not satisfied he decides he wants to conquer the universe. He creates a fleet of star ships to carry him and hundreds of his subjects, but once he and they reach the limits of the solar system he suddenly finds himself returned to just before the human opened the bottle, only this time he doesn’t.

Uh-huh. So, it’s like I say to my husband when the frail heroine decides to track down the source of blood-curdling screams, at midnight, with no light, through the Gothic castle wearing a phosphorescent white negligee and no slippers, “Well, if there were no stupid there would be no story.” With lawyers, “Well, if there were no stupid AND greedy, there would be no lawyers.”

Monty’s third wish: I wish I hadn’t become involved with these over-priced, nit-picking spinners of tricky gobbledygook. The genie concurs. Legalese can kill….

I wish I could have: a chocolate cake donut, a caramel Danish, and a good cup of light roast coffee. Tomorrow, I’ll see if wishes really can come true…

“My first wish is for the knowledge how to best phrase my second and third wishes to maximize my satisfaction.”