Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for October 10, 2017

Cary a Bible and they won’t pick you.

Ex-lawyer make me (Sic).

Just start talking about the Fully Informed Jury Association and how much you believe in it, and you’ll never be picked for jury duty again.

A hot girl from my town reports: “I got called for jury impanelment a few years ago [ie, early 1990s]. That’s where you sit in a big room with hundreds of other people on hard wooden seats waiting to see if they’ll call your name so you can have the distinct pleasure of spending countless days with unwashed strangers arguing over the fate of someone’s life while you eat bad deli food and remember fondly that stack of work you could be doing at the office. Since waiting is on my list of things that tick me off, I prepared in advance by taking a copy of one of my favorite Dave Barry books with me.For six hours, I sat and read and laughed out loud like a hyena. I did not get picked for jury duty. I am fairly certain they thought I was insane.” Jasheway, Leigh Anne. Don’t Get Mad, Get Funny! Duluth: Whole Person Associates, 1996.

I don’t mind jury duty and find it interesting…..of course my personal experience is that both sides lie….even cops…

I never could understand this aversion to doing jury duty. To me, it’s as sacred an honor and duty as voting. In fact, I’ve served twice on juries, and I loved every minute of it. The last time I was summonsed, however, I WASN’T picked to serve (probably because my hearing isn’t what it used to be), and I was crushed!

OMG please, please, please give us two weeks of Rat on jury duty! Name your price and I will pay it gleefully!

I wonder if having to deal with juries is the reason why Stephan Pastis stopped being a lawyer and became a cartoonist. Or maybe he is ticked off from recently receiving a jury summons.

I loathe jury duty and it probably shows. I’ve never been picked to serve on a jury.

Just go and be honest during voir dire. If you are like Rat, one or the other of the lawyers arguing the case is sure to dismiss you.

I just tell them that I am fair and impartial, and will vote in the direction of whoever PAYS ME THE MOST! Never stay more then 5 minutes after that!

I once remember serving in Bergen County, NJ. Before marching down to the Jury room, we were instructed to “look angry” so that the young black male would “cop a plea.” It worked and we got to go home early. I felt dirty by the entire process. My complaint fell on deaf ears.

If you want to get out of it all you have to do is tell them you have a graduate degree.

I was picked and the case was a bank suing a small business for something. I was on the stand and asked what I thought of the bank. I said they are a rinky dink outfit. Got a reaction, the defendant SMILED! I explained that I had gone to another city for a seminar and had a paycheck issued by this BANK!! The branch in the other city would not cash their OWN CHECK!!! I repeated that is rinky dink, because they don’t even trust their own paper!! I was excused, LOL!

For all you pathetic whining about jury duty, consider what almost happened in California. Their legislature pass a bill that would allow NON-AMERICANS to serve on jury duty! Only an (unusually) intelligent veto by Gov. Brown stopped that travesty from becoming law.

Do you whiners really want your fate determined by foreigners?

Just do it. Most obligations are not for fun.

Now, I’d think Rat would love the thought of getting to judge other people and punish them for their crimes. Judge: Ladies and Gentle-rats of the jury, have you reached a verdict?Rat (as foreman): We have, your honor. We find the defendant guilty and sentence him to death by being fed to crocs.Judge: But… this is a civil case. Over a traffic accident. Rat: Yeah, but the jerk grabbed the space wanted in the parking lot this morning.

I have a cousin who didn’t know to shred his jury duty envelope the instant he got it. They asked him “Do you think you can make a fair and impartial judgment of the case?” He said “No, that kid looks pretty skeevy to me.” So they excused him.

I have lost count of the number of time I have been called for jury duty but I think that I have served on 12 different cases, all criminal. (I was able to get out of the civil cases by telling them I knew all of the crooked lawyers involved). I enjoy hearing the cases and learning about the laws and processes involved. I also enjoyed learning how the other people on the jury would surprise you with their insight even though their appearance might give you the impression that they could not care less or have enough sense to find their way out of the courtroom. Inside the jury room was never anything like Hollywood would lead you to think it is.

Now I have heard from some others that have served on juries that sometimes you do have a few idiots serving, usually on civil cases, but it has never been my experience.

I will say that the one drawback to serving on a jury is you give up all your human rights while serving and become pawns of the legal system subject to the whims of the judge and lawyers.

They always seem to pick an inconvenient time – long time planned vacation [postponement granted] – but now I’m old enough to be able to refuse.

The easiest way to get out of jury duty is to tell the truth, which they want you to do anyway. On my last jury duty, I was considered for a drug case. I told them my honest opinion of drug laws. That was it.

Considering who created Rat, he should be sick all the time.

Jury duty is so boring

I have always served my country. When I got my draft notice, I served. Almost every two years I get a summons for jury duty. I have lost count of how many times I have served. I love doing my duty and hope to be able to continue for many more years. Still I wonder if anyone is looking, no jury that I have sat on has convicted anyone.

Hey, Stephan, I know that a lot of Santa Rosa got caught in the forest fires yesterday. I hope you are okay

I have a friend who just tells the judge she doesn’t believe in putting anyone in jail (she really doesn’t). Works like a charm for getting off a criminal trial jury.

Texas used to have an entry on the jury-service form along the lines of “I cannot serve because I am not of sound mind/good moral character.” Never had the nerve to check that box…

The quickest way to avoid jury duty is to be a lawyer. The only time I received notice the Judge remembered me from when she was in private practice, though I honestly wouldn’t have known her from Eve. Regardless, it was enough to have me stricken immediately.

Simple. The trick is to say you’re prejudice against all races.

Closest I have ever come to being on a jury was when I was asked to be part of a mock jury. Some woman was suing Craig Swapp, the lawyer, for filing her papers late and messing up her case. She eventually won the real case and got a few million. That said, I think jury duty would be an interesting experience.

In Rat’s case, the defendant should save themselves from Rat and just plead guilty!

During my 21 years of military service I was occasionally called for jury duty in my home town. Since I wasn’t actually living there I wasn’t required to show up. It would have been a real pain in the tuckus to have to return from an overseas assignment just to sit on hard wood benches for hours on end.

Curiously… the first ten years as a civilian I was never called for selection. Living in a small to medium size city apparently provided enough bodies that they never got to me. I moved back to my home town (a VERY SMALL city) thirteen years ago and have only twice been tagged for selection.

The first involved marijuana and when asked, I told them I believed it should be legal, that ended that. The last time I very nearly ended up in the jury box. They kept dismissing folks and got within one person of pulling me in. I was kinda curious to see how they were going to respond when I refused to swear an oath based on mythological deity or a book of fables and outright lies. I am reasonably sure that would get me sent out the door. We’ll see what happens next time.

Never was Rat more obviously, blatantly, Cartoon-Boy’s alter ego!

I guess it takes an ex-lawyer to know one….

On a serious note, I hope you are safe from the Santa Rosa fires.

I’ve been getting a Jury Summons almost every year for the last 10 or more years, never actually ending up required to go. The only time I was actually called up (over 20 years ago), I sat in the waiting room for most of the day before being set loose and told I didn’t need to return.

I’d be happy to serve on a jury, but the last time it came out it was a county court and because of health and mobility issues I had to ask to be excused but menioned that I would be happy to serve in a court I could reach by city bus, I was excused.

If you are ever subject to trial by jury, remember that “your peers” will be the ones not smart enough to avoid serving.

Good medical reason to quit your lawyer job, Steph.

That explains why he hates Stephan so much.

I wonder if having ADD is enough of an excuse. Who wants a juror who is easily distracted?