9 Chickweed Lane by Brooke McEldowney for November 15, 2015

Transcript:

welcome to thorax president winnowing services. we at pws know only too well that the process of president selection requires the suspension of common sense to such an exhausting degree that casting a vote is only achieved in a state of intense national delirium. Well, now the job has become a snap, thanks to thorax president winnowing services. Here's how it works: first, we screen nominees for the five disqualifying personality traits of the typical presidential candidate: psychopathy, greed, megalomania, chronic mendacity, and worst of all, the desire to become president. Thorax: do you want to become president? Man: Er...um..... Thorax: Sorry you considered your answer, disqualified. having done this, we have eliminated anyone who would spend 42 million dollars just to get hired for a job as a public servant. What we have left is.... Man: let go! ..george weentis. Man: I need to get my books to the library or they'll be overdue. mr. weentis, would you like to be president of the united states? Man: It's nearly five, and...president? Why would I want to do that? Ordinarily?...avarice, mendacity, megalomania, psychopathy... Man: Mega what? Look, my books are nearly...let go of my arm! this way, mr. weentis. One vow, a chorus of "hail to the chief" and you'll be all set. It's just like jury duty, except that you'll have to budget a multi trillion dollar debt, preside over a war of two, lie to everybody on a daily basis and lust for absolute power. Man: that's nuts! ladies and gentlemen...president weentis. Man: My librarian is really going to be sure about this.